My Testimony Part 6: Overcoming Idolatry

You can find the previous parts of my testimony here, here, here, here, and here. This is the 6th part of my testimony: Overcoming Idolatry. Photo Credit.

I hope this writing helps someone. Just to note, some details are changed to protect my anonymity.

Introduction - Filing Emptiness Inside

When I was growing up, my parents didn’t give me much attention. I want to remind readers that I am not trying to vilify my parents. They raised me, took care of me, and I wouldn’t be who I am without them.

Still, I was certainly not raised in a Christian household, and if you view my testimony here, you will see I had a very troubled childhood. My childhood can be summed up with the words emotional neglect, which led to deep emptiness inside. It had a long-lasting traumatic impact on me, which led to addiction and other issues later in life.

Materialism was the god of my family, and what we owned and what we looked like was very important to both of my parents. My house was always perfectly clean and nothing could ever be out of place. If we spilled something accidentally on the carpet, for example, my mom and dad would be hysterical for hours. Everything had to be clean, tidy, and perfect, and as long as the house looked beautiful, it seemed everyone was happy. Of course, I can assume readers can guess that's far from the case.

In fact, the word God was never mentioned in my household growing up unless for a matter of debate or in a more “we are all gods” sense. For whatever reason, my dad had particular interest in talking to me about religion and spirituality, but less with my brothers and sisters. Sometimes I would come home from school to find spiritual texts lying on my bed, and I would read them. At an early age, I was well-versed in nearly all religions except Christianity. Luckily, I believe I gained excellent debate skills because my dad raised me to engage in critical discussion. I give him credit for that.

When I was about 9 or 10, I remember one moment vividly. We just finished grocery shopping, and my dad asked me a question as we were loading groceries into the car.

He asked, “Who do you think goes to hell - a nice atheist who was a good person or a bad Christian person?”

As a little girl, I didn’t know the answer.

He said, “It would make sense that a nice atheist did not go to hell because he was kind. A fair god would allow the atheist to go to heaven."

Remember, I was young and I didn’t know the Bible at all. I just said, “That makes sense”, but that question lingered into my mind for many years. Was my dad correct?

As an adult, I would eventually gain a better answer. There are no good people, according to the Bible. We all fall short of the glory of God, and that is why we need Him and His grace to make it to Heaven. There are none righteous or worthy - not me, not you, not Witness 1. Only Jesus Christ. However, to make it to Heaven, one has to believe in Jesus Christ.

Still, the younger version of me did not know this, and I trusted my dad. I decided my dad was a source of wisdom when it came to spirituality, and that I would follow him. I became a follower of whatever my dad believed spiritually.

In my early years, my parents were working a lot. Work was highly valued and treasured in my home, especially to ensure that our house and property remained beautiful. We were raised with a strong work ethic, at least I was, though my youngest sibling was never expected to work or have a job, which produced some level of bitterness in my heart.

My dad was clear that besides good health, the most important thing in my life was finding the right job and career. This trumped any form of spirituality, of course. Now, for all intents and purposes, this worldly view is true if you are of the world; however, Christians are called to be set apart from the world. Again, though, I trusted my dad as a source of wisdom, and I spent my entire life preparing for a career. I started working around the age of 13 to save up money. I have always been working and have never stopped since then.

When I was at home, my mom was miserable. She usually came home from work, screamed, cleaned, and then complained all night. She did not sit with us at dinner or speak to us. My dad worked until about 9 PM, and he usually ate alone. He made sure we were alseep, and I didn't see him much until the weekend.

I understood that my parents did not have time for me, so I didn't ask. The few times I would ask them to attend school events, they simply told me they were too tired or didn't have time. I wanted to join clubs, volleyball, etc., but they either told me they couldn't afford it, or they couldn't give me a ride.

One of my earliest memories was when I was a little girl and I begged my mom for a diary. I was in first grade, and it was a diary with a lock and key and puppies on it. It was $16, which was a lot of money for the time. She did buy it for me, and it changed my life forever. I have kept a journal ever since, either in real life or online. Writing was always my escape, and it still is, isn't it? My first entry in my journal was, "We were on the news today!" It was for something simple. Who knows what my last entry will be?

Going back to my early childhood, there was no God in my home, and there certainly wasn’t anything associated with God. My mom did have some Catholic roots, but she only participated in the parts she enjoyed, like the Virgin Mary statue in our yard, or the cross that looked good for decoration's sake. When she was an adult, somehow I ended up with her old Bible from Catholic school, and when I opened the cover, it just said “Help me, Jesus.” In the end, on her death bed, she found Jesus Christ, but that story is for another time in the next part of my testimony.

My dad, however, did believe in ghosts, and he was “spiritual” in many ways. He spent much of his life meditating and focusing on doctrines of Buddhism and Hinduism. I followed what my dad set as an example, as my dad was and is very intelligent. He is also a good writer, which is probably where I received the gift on some level. Of course, all good and perfect gifts are ultimately from God, whether people acknowledge that or not. Further, my dad was always interested in the occult, and the occult seemed to be connected to his views of “oneness” and spirituality. The overarching principle behind my dad’s views was that anything could be true - just not Christianity.

With my parents always at work, I was left to my own devices most of the day. Because of this, I became very independent, and while I wouldn’t say I was lonely, I was alone. However, I remember there were many times where I sought my parents' attention and did not receive it. The best I can describe myself is a little like Matilda, where she learns to do many things on her own because there is no one really there to help her. My siblings did not like me very much, as one felt bitter for having to take care of me, and the other one just did not really want to play with me.

The point I am trying to make to readers is that I understood that I needed fulfillment in other things at an early age. I didn't hate my parents or anything like that. I just understood that they were not going to fulfill me in the way I needed. So, I became extremely independent, and when I became a teenager, I was almost never home.

To cope with my loneliness, I developed an intense imagination. To share a more embarrassing story, I remember I really liked bees. I would examine them outside, and I was interested in their communities and how organized they were. I saw them as intelligent animals. For comfort, I would pretend that they lived inside my mind and helped me make decisions. They could see what I see, and they would congregate and decide if I was making the right choices. When I slept, they slept. For many years, I believed these insects were helping me. Haha. I’m laughing a little as I write this. Clearly, I was seeking something to comfort and guide me, so I ask for compassion here.

I was always looking for something to fill that emptiness.

Before bed, I remember I would pray. No one taught me to pray, so I’m not sure where I picked it up. I did have a simple prayer above my bed that I read. I stopped praying as I grew older, but this shows that there was something in me craving “something more” than myself. As a little girl, I just seemed to understand there was a God. As I grew older, I followed what my dad told me, that if there was a God, He certainly wasn't a Christian God.

One difficulty I had as an emerging woman was showing affection. My mom did not hug me and she never said “I love you.” This was because it was how she was raised. She was raised to not express her feelings in that way, so I never felt that sort of maternal love that I was supposed to feel. She was brutally abused by her parents, so she just told me she was doing a much better job than they were. That is true.

I remember in middle school, when I was leaving for camp, we hugged for the first time in my life. It was forced because others were watching. It was so incredibly awkward, but I will never forget that moment.

Because my mom did not have the emotional capacity to show me love, she showed it by taking care of us. We were fed, clothed, and taken care of, and she always said, therefore, we have nothing to complain about.

In a way, that is true. I knew she loved me, even if she couldn’t hug me or say it. I knew that she cared for me and wanted what was best for me - I think. According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, I was getting basic safety and security needs from my parents, except emotional security.

Of my sisters, I think my mom liked me the most, as she treated me the best. She was very cruel to my older sister and would physically beat her. While my parents did hit me a lot, they never physically beat me. I do not consider spanking or hitting abuse, but I do believe my older sister was physically abused by my mom. This created much conflict later in our lives, which I will write in another part of my testimony.

I never received the emotional love from my mom that I needed. I honestly sought this love in other ways - I remember watching Mr. Rogers and feeling loved by him. And I absolutely loved my teachers, which I will come back to in a moment.

As for my dad, he was more attentive to me as a child, but that drastically changed as I became a teenager.

My dad gave a lot of unusual attention to my younger sister, and I did not like it. It made me uncomfortable. There is really some disturbing information here, and part of me hesitates to write it. Let’s just say I feel he had a highly inappropriate relationship with my younger sister, and I think, me. The memories blur now, and I will never know the whole truth. I will not accuse my dad, as I don’t have enough information anymore. However, I will say there was definitely an inappropriate relationship between my sister and him, and whatever was to become inappropriate between me and him - well, I stopped it in its tracks. The things I remember are too painful to write at this time. If someone told me the stories, I would suspect sexual abuse. Perhaps I have just closed myself off from that. In the end, I forgive my dad.

There are very disturbing things I want to write, but I'm not ready to write. Perhaps I will leave them for another chapter.

My dad wanted kisses from me, but I didn't want to give him kisses. My sister gave him a lot of kisses. I grew very cold toward him.

To summarize, there were inappropriate things that took place between my dad, my sister, and me, and that's all I can write for now.

Again, this made me push away from him, and he resented that. As I left childhood and became a young woman, that is when our relationship absolutely crumbled.

5th grade was a turning point for me, as I had an incredibly tough teacher. I didn’t like him, but he was a good teacher, and that is what many people are failing to understand in education these days. The best teachers are not always the liked ones. They are the ones who teach you how to work. This 5th grade teacher believed in me and told me I was his favorite student in the class. Haha - I am not sure if he was just a pervert or really liked me, but either way, I guess it helped my self-esteem!

In 6th grade, I remember I received my first award: “Student of the Month: Academics.” This moment in time changed the course of my life forever.

Something finally filled an empty space inside me. It was academics! I was beaming with pride when I received the award. I didn't know anyone saw anything in me or was proud of me until that moment.

Remember, my parents weren’t giving me much attention at home, and this was the first time in my life I had been acknowledged in such a way. I was so proud of myself, so excited. That year, I was also tested for giftedness, and I was put into the gifted program for reading and writing. My IQ measured 136 according to the test. This puts me in the top 1% of women in the nation. This isn’t to brag, and I know there are flaws in IQ testing and that it fluctuates. However, I believe this one fact about me explains why I struggle fitting into the world in many ways and why I always stood out from the crowd. Plus, most readers know all of the conspiracy theories about GATE and gifted education, and maybe one day, I will be able to openly reveal more about that. For now, I cannot.

In middle school is when I started obtaining many awards, and my parents were absent from all of this. In high school, I received a prominent scholarship for college, and there was a huge ceremony. I remember my teacher asking, “Why didn’t your parents come?" That question actually broke my heart. I replied, "They said they were too busy."

This is the point readers need to take away from this. I was searching for something to fill me in my younger years, and if my parents and home life were not going to do that, then I had school and academics. My teachers became my parents - really! I loved school.

I seriously would never miss a day of school. I loved it so much. I loved learning. I never got bored. I loved pleasing the teachers, and I almost always received As, even in very difficult classes. Even though I was very intelligent, I still had friends and fit in with just about every group. Still, I always knew there was something strange about me - something that didn't quite conform.

But I wanted to fit in and conform.

This is where the problem began. I developed a deep perfectionism, and I believed that academics and learning would always fulfill me.

The emptiness started in my childhood, and as most readers know, it carried on into my adulthood.

I excelled in high school and college, and I was ready for my career. Stiil, that deep emptiness inside me persisted, and later, problems would arise.

What readers need to take away from this chapter is that academics became a temporary idol for me, but as I grew older, it wasn't enough.

Other Gods

As most readers are picking up on, work would later become my identity. I met a man who also had a great career, and we were planning to get married.

I put everything into my career and I wanted to be the best. After all, I was always one of the best when it came to academics growing up. What would be different in my career?

Since I didn’t have children and my hobbies didn’t take away too much time, I spent as much time as possible giving all I could for my job - my god.

It was honestly my god at the time. I wouldn’t have seen it that way then, but I do now.

Nothing was too much for my job. I did receive awards, praise, and recognition. I did a lot of good things.

When I reflect on it now, I don’t necessarily regret it - not all of it. The job shaped me to be a good leader, and that is what I learned to do. In fact, I know God was still working through me.

However, I regret how much time I wasted - how much anxiety I had about those dumb jobs and those people who didn't like me anyway. Those are my regrets.

People didn’t like me very much, which hurt me. I didn’t understand why they didn’t like me as I was doing so many good things. I thought that is what the world wanted. I tried so hard to please the world. I wanted people to like me. I wanted accolades. I wanted to be known for my work.

Something started to shift in me in 2014 - 2015. My job was not fulfilling the emptiness inside of me. In fact, it was leading me to drink. At this time I started drinking but I wasn’t quite an alcoholic yet. It was more just a coping mechanism for me on the weekends and such. I was still, for the most part, in control of my alcohol usage. In fact, I was for many years. For many years, it was a great comfort to me.

I remember one day I was lying on the couch, browsing the internet, and I found a website devoted to conspiracies. I read every single thread, and I found that I agreed with every single post. My eyes were opened. The spiritual scales must have fallen off in that moment.

As 2015 continued, I started to become more bitter regarding the world. I started writing online and sharing my experiences with the world. I started to seek God.

I actually grabbed the Bhagvad Gita, since my dad told me that was the truth, and I brought it to work. I read it twice. It didn’t satisfy me.

I continued to explore conspiracies, and I started to dip into more depression. I kept finding evil and Satan everywhere. In fact, I realized Satan was at the top of each conspiracy, and I realized something. If Satan was real...well...then was God real?

At this time, childhood memories began to flood back into me. I became even more bitter and depressed. I was so unhappy and empty inside, despite my tremendous success at work. I started drinking more - still, under control - but more. I began partying more. I began throwing parties at my house and passing out until I was drunk on the weekends. I began losing hope.

I actually did decide to get therapy, like many in this society recommend. Therapy is the "go to" answer for many, as if it is supposed to fix all of someone's problems. It didn't fix all of my problems, but it helped.

In fact, I had a great therapist who changed the course of my life with one statement:

Your dad is an abuser.

When she said that to me, it freed me. Finally, somebody believed me and what I had gone through. To note, this section of my testimony does not highlight his abuse, so I challenge readers to read the other parts of my testimonies for more about my dad. I am not done writing about my dad yet.

Anyway, this was just the beginning of the problems. My therapist touched on some issues, but the issues were not solved. There was something else wrong.

Why wasn't my life fulfilling? I had a nice job. I had a boyfriend. I had cute dogs. I had a lot of nice clothes. I had a nice home. I traveled. I was intelligent. I had many experiences. I didn't understand!

You see, any form of idolatry one experiences is designed to fill something. If one isn’t serving Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, they are serving something else. Right now, if you are not fully serving Jesus Christ, you are serving something else as a god, whether you know it or not.

At the time, I was serving all kinds of idols. My idol was the world itself. I wanted to please the world and show the world I was perfect. I was successul. I was happy!

I was serving many other things: my work, my money, my hobbies, alcohol, partying, my relationships, etc. I was never serving God, however. I was always trying to fill myself with something else.

An idol can be anything, and we are to keep ourselves from them.

As one can imagine, these idols were not fixing me or helping me anymore. I idolized my partner, but he wasn’t fulfilling me. I idolized work, but I came home with emptiness. I idolized success, but it was fleeting. I idolized beauty even, but I never felt beautiful enough - it was never enough.

None of these idols fulfilled me!

In 2016 - 2018, I tried everything I could to fill myself. Nothing was filling me. I changed jobs, I tried to fix my relationship, I tried to please my family, I ran a half-marathon, I won awards for my hobby. I did IT ALL!

And none of it fulfilled me.

I was completely empty inside.

At the root of idolization is emptiness. There is only one true God who can fulfill us, and Jesus Christ came into my life to show me that.

Readers must understand that and understand it clearly. If you are not serving Jesus Christ FULLY, something else is filling you, and it is not God.

If you claim to serve Jesus Christ, but you still feel empty, ask yourself if you have truly conquered your idols. This is a tough question to ask yourself.

Do NOT say “I don’t have idols” if you have one foot in the world. If you are not fully following Jesus Christ, there are things in your life you still idolize.

This is not judgment. This is, rather, an honest testimony to get you thinking about your own idols. Some of you have conquered your idols, and you are serving the Lord.

Most of you, however, are not.

The One True God

During my search for the truth, of course, I stumbled upon Jesus Christ. Of course, He popped up. I always avoided Him though.

As I was searching through theory after theory, I was starting to run out of ways to avoid Him.

Though there were many people in my life who tried to convince me of Jesus Christ, none of them were smart enough for me.

Remember, I was (and I’d like to think am) a pretty intelligent woman. I spent my whole life studying, and I felt I was well-versed in most spiritual and philosophical topics.

In 2015, I stumbled upon a conspiracy post from Witness 1, under a different name at the time, clearly. He had written a post that I thought was a little chaotic, but I could feel his passion and anger. I felt sorry for him, but I really liked his passion.

I didn’t know he was Christian, and I sent him a message saying, “Hey, I liked your writing.”

That was pretty much all I said. He sincerely replied back with his number almost immediately.

“Why not?,” I thought, “My life is a complete joke at this moment, anyway.”

So, we would text and call each other a lot. Yes, I was dating another man at the time. No, I didn’t think I was going to be with Witness 1. Yes, the man I was with weas cheating on me at the time. Our relationship was completely ridiculous and centered on drinking and avoiding our life's issues.

While I will write a future testimony about him, me and my ex both essentially had given up on our relationship and were cheating on each other. I am not justifying my actions, and I have repented. It is the truth. I will always love that man and I pray he is okay. I hope he didn’t get vaccinated. I did warn him on my last phone call with him - unfortunately I was very drunk and fighting with him, but I still hope he took me seriously! I say this laughing a little bit, so I hope you all can laugh, too.

So, Witness 1 and I would essentially fill each other’s time. He was a “vocel” at the time because of me - he told me he was in love with me right away, and he was. No, he wasn't a virgin, but he was voluntarily celibate. In sincerity, he’s handsome and could have women - he just didn’t want any women. He spent his time working, playing music, and yes, talking to me.

Neither of us never really thought anything would come out of our friendship. Well, maybe he did secretly. I guess he did. I think we both used each other to pass the time away - at least that is what we wanted to believe. I couldn't imagine giving up my fake life for anything.

Though I wasn't happy in my relationship, I was addicted to the way my life appeared to others, especially on social media. I did not plan to leave my boyfriend at the time. I didn't have truly strong morals, so I didn't see anything wrong with flirting and talking to other guys. I justified it because he was cheating on me, too. Readers, understand, the relationship was a complete disaster but we stayed together because it was comfortable.

For me, Witness 1 was an interesting distraction. Plus, what we debated the most about was Jesus Christ.

“You’re a Christian?” I declared once, “I thought you were smart!”

One thing I appreciated about him is that he didn’t care about what anyone thought of him. I remember calling him one time and asking, “Can you please explain how not to care what people think of me?"

Haha, I'm laughing again - I needed help. I cared too much what people thought, and that was one of my idols.

Now there are many events that led me to Jesus, and sorry to Witness 1, he is not the only person who led me there. Still, he had a profound impact on me because he could debate me.

One day, I am not sure what we were debating about, but he finally stumped me. I just finally had a thought in my head…”Maybe this Bible thing is real…”

Of course, I didn’t become a Christian in a day.

Besides, my life was a disaster. I was in a failing relationship. I was good at my job but it was no longer fulfilling for me. I was wasting money and time. I was really empty. Plus, my drinking was picking up.

After a night of heavy drinking, the next morning I woke up with a massive hangover. I was feeling really bad, and I knew I had pushed it too far the night before.

I was having some type of panic attack, and I thought I was going to die. My vision was getting blurry, and I honestly was getting scared, considering going to the ER. I now know my blood pressure was high, and my nervous system was freaking out.

I stared up at the ceiling and prayed for the first time since I was a child. I said out loud, “Jesus Christ, if you are real, show me, and I will worship you forever.”

At that moment, a presence entered the room and comforted me. It was like the entire room was filled with actual love - not the love we know of the world - but the eternal love of God.

Jesus, it seemed, hugged me and healed me. My blood pressure calmed down, and my vision went back to normal.

This feeling of love only lasted a few minutes, maybe, but I knew that my life was going to change forever.

That was the moment I first believed.

And I also said in my head, "Oh, sh*t, now I have to change myself."

Breaking Idols

This is actually just the beginning of my story. I did not conquer my idols in a few days. No - it took me years.

You see, the next few months, I had some changes to make. I had to decide if I should be with my partner. I moved jobs. I even got baptized.

I was becoming a new creation - well, kind of.

You see, the next few years I had to lose a lot.

Many readers are trying to avoid loss when coming to God, but I want to tell you, that will probably be impossible.

You see, during the next few years, here are the things I had to lose or give up:

1. My entire family
2. My job (one of them - I got a new one!)
3. My reputation (on some level)
4. Many friendships
5. Alcohol
6. My relationship with a man I thought I loved
7. My paradigms/views of the world
8. Various idols (money, sex, work, beauty, etc.)

And so much more.

The reason many cannot give up their idols is because it will mean some sort of deep loss is going to happen. You have to be ready for that loss. I mean, I don't know if you are ever truly ready.

I think the readiness comes from being tired of the world. When you truly start to hate the world, you are more ready to lose things in it.

When you really start trying to serve Jesus Christ, you will notice great conflict.

You cannot serve two masters. Many of you are trying to. I was trying to!

So, how did I finally give up my idols?

Now that’s a good question.

Conclusion

As I wrap up this part of this testimony, I want readers to know I've been praying for a few days and asking God how I finally gave it all up.

This isn't an easy answer. Even now, I am having difficulty expressing it to readers.

The answer for some is that you have to rip that bandaid off.

Many of you are trying to take the bandaid off slowly, but it isn't really coming off. It just keeps going back on.

There are things I did that seemed absolutely crazy to the world. Witness 1 will vouch that at a certain point, everyone in my life hated me and was making fun of me.

You see, nobody wanted me to be with him, especially not my dad. People begged me to stay in relationships and jobs I wasn't happy with.

The root of it, I think, is I stopped caring what people thought of me.

At the center of every idol I had was the worry of what people thought of me or would think of me. That was the spiritual root of it all.

So, maybe my advice for readers is to find the spiritual root of the problem.

When I didn't care what anybody thought of me anymore, I was free!

The idols started to break, one at a time.

There is more to this story, and I am not done.

To end, I would like to end with a relevant section of the Bible. Put on your new self!

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Put On the New Self

3 If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. 3 For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. 4 When Christ who is your[a] life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

5 Put to death therefore what is earthly in you:[b] sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. 6 On account of these the wrath of God is coming.[c] 7 In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. 8 But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. 9 Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self[d] with its practices 10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. 11 Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave,[e] free; but Christ is all, and in all.

12 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 17 And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

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I love the passage.

God bless you all in the name of Jesus Christ,

- Witness 2